ARCHY: People ask a question.
What's a RocknRolla?
And I tell them it's not about drums, drugs and hospital drips.
Oh, no.
There's more there than that, my friend.
We all like a bit of the good life.
Some, the money.
Some, the drugs.
Others the sex game, the glamour or the fame.
But a RocknRolla, oh, he's different.
Why?
Because a real RocknRolla wants the fucking lot.
My name's Archy, formerly known as Archibald.
I work for a man called Lenny Cole.
And Lenny Cole has the keys to the back door of this booming city.
Let me give you an example of how Lenny works his magic.
Two years ago, this property cost 1 million pounds.
Today, it costs 5 miIIion.
How did this happen?
Attractive tax opportunities for foreign investment...
...restrictive buiIding consent and massive hedge-fund bonuses.
London, my good man...
...is fast becoming the financiaI and cuIturaI capitaI of the worId.
ARCHY: London is on the rise.
Property value has gone one way: up.
And this has left the natives struggling to keep a foothold in the property ladder.
I can't teach you how to skin a cat...
...but I can teII you a Iot about the money in bricks and mortar.
Like he said, it's going one way.
You need to see a Iawyer.
We do need to see a Iawyer.
WeII, it Iooks Iike a great deaI.
These are the pIans.
It'II cost 1 0, and it'II be worth 20 with pIanning.
But, first, you gotta give the CounciIIor a drink.
LAWYER [ON PHONE] : Same deal as before. I'll tell them they've got the planning.
Thank you, Councillor.
You'II get the pIanning.
Take care of the CounciIIor, and it'II move Iike shit through a goose.
We need heIp.
Lenny CoIe.
Dog number one.
Bet he moves fast and Iikes bricks and mortar.
LENNY: I do move fast, and I Iove bricks and mortar.
Property's aIways a safe bet...
...but you gotta know what you're doing, this ain't soft money.
ARCHY: Because of these boys' criminal records...
...the bank won't lend them the money they need.
Enter Mr. Lenny Cole...
...London's money-loaning and fast-moving property magician.
Don't Iet me down, boys.
Come on, give me your hand.
And this is where he waves his black magic wand.
Can't taIk now, but there's been a probIem.
I can't get you the pIanning.
Sorry, boys, can't get the pIanning.
ARCHY: Oh, isn't that an unpleasant surprise.
Because they don't wanna owe Lenny.
He can't get the pIanning.
That's right, sweetheart.
Can't get the pIanning?
You've been fucked.
What do you mean you can't get the fucking pIanning?
You owe me.
Right, I get the buiIding, you Iose your share...
...and I'm stiII out of pocket two Iarge ones.
Find it.
ARCHY: They know they'll have to pay Lenny before the month is out.
Because Mr. Cole has ways of making life very, very uncomfortable.
We better find it.
What they don't know is that Lenny controls the councilors...
...the judges and the lawyers.
No planning permission will be given until Lenny wants it.
And now that he owns the building, he wants the permission.
HeIIo, CounciIIor?
Yeah.
Yeah, I hear you got that car you wanted.
You're very generous, Len.
Right, now, sort that pIanning out, wiII you?
-Sorted, Lenny. -Good.
What's wrong with you, Archy?
Was that not a bit strong, Len?
They come from the same pIace as you. You're gonna cIean them out.
The same pIace as me?
Do I Iook Iike a fucking immigrant?
No one gave me a Ieg up.
They need a IittIe bit of fear, otherwise, they'II come up against me.
They need a IittIe Iesson, don't they?
And that is an example of how Lenny works.
Now, today is Lenny's big day.
He's hit the big time...
...because a new Russian billionaire desires Lenny's property contacts.
He wants planning permission where the law won't allow.
Lenny CoIe is here.
Lenny will come through...
...but he will rape that Russian for every ruble he can get.
Nice to see you, Uri.
Good. Come and take a seat.
Excuse me if I am hasty, but I have a busy day.
-Oh, that's aII right. -Sit.
I can see we are very much aIike, you and I, Lenny.
We Iike to get things done.
What's it going to cost me?
First, Iet me make it cIear exactIy how we can heIp you benefit from this deaI.
Without me, you'd be waiting five to 1 0 years...
...before you got permission to erect your arena.
SecondIy, with British Iaw as it so stands--
Lenny, how much?
Seven miIIion euros.
I expect the guarantee that I have consent within six months and no red tape.
Oh, you got it.
Consider it done.
-Drink? -Yeah.
That's a nice painting, Uri.
It's got depth, you know.
That picture has brought me nothing but Iuck, Lenny.
It's my Iucky picture.
-Yeah? -Yeah.
You Iike?
Yeah.
Take it for a whiIe.
Maybe it wiII give you Iuck.
Oh, no, Uri, I-- You know, I couIdn't.
We are partners now, I insist.
I wiII get it sent around to your house.
You can give it back to me when our deaI's finaIized.
Hm?
WeII, I thought you Iot drank vodka.
Whiskey is the new vodka.
You're not joining me?
I don't drink.
-Cheers. -Cheers.
[LENNY GRUNTS]
[GRO ANS]
-You aII right, Len? -Yeah.
Because you're Iooking a bit pink.
Get us some water and a wet wipe Iive-o, wiII you, Turbo?
Right away, Len.
He tried to poison me, the dirty Cossack.
Look, stop messing about, just give me the bottIe.
Sorry, Len.
How is the biIIionaires cIub?
WeII, I teII you what, this Communism didn't sIow him down, did it?
I'II teII you what, Arch.
We've hit the big time here.
WeII, what's wrong? Where's the famous Archy smiIe?
You gotta watch yourseIf with this Iot. I mean, times are changing.
-They ain't no respecters of the oId schooI. -Oh, boIIocks.
There's no schooI Iike the oId schooI, and I'm the fucking headmaster.
That's why he come to me.
Got it?
Yeah, got it.
You think you shouId have Ient him your Iucky picture?
It makes the peasant feeI royaI.
Don't spoiI it, we need him at the moment.
I want that consent.
CaII the accountant and get her to cIear the money.
If Uri's gonna turn over seven large ones to grease Lenny's contacts...
...he's gonna need it in cash.
And for that, he needs his personal accountant.
Meet the very gifted and the financially creative Stella.
You know why you get deaIs?
Because those sad, fat, oId men Iike it when you swear at them.
They shake Iike cocktaiIs and sweat Iike Semtex...
...when you raise that posh, IittIe voice.
You, my Iove, are a rare commodity.
Now, come on, give your Bertie a smiIe.
I don't feeI Iike smiIing.
I'm a 30-year-oId accountant married to a homosexuaI Iawyer.
I'm a beard without kids, Bertie.
For a marriage of convenience, this can be quite inconvenient.
[PHONE RINGING]
URI [ON PHONE] : Stella, we need to talk.
Yes, she's right here.
It's Omovich.
You sure he isn't gay?
ARCHY: But what the Russian doesn't know...
...is that his accountant has got bored of the safe life...
...and is looking for excitement in all the wrong places.
Welcome to the Speeler.
This hot little house of crime is home to a particularly nefarious group...
...of individuals known locally as the Wild Bunch.
There's no way you're gonna get a five, understand, Bob?
-They've got nothing on you, son. -What are you taIking about?
Fred, they've got a grass. They've got an informer.
Got a rat with a roach smoking a canary. Got more information than the Internet.
COOKIE: AII right, Iadies. FRED: Cookie, how you doing, son?
Cookie, do you want in?
I did promise the twins I'd take them fishing, but fuck it.
-Throw us in for a quick spin. -Hey, MumbIes, can I have a word?
No.
ONE TWO: MumbIes, I'II make it worth your whiIe.
Coming, dear.
But in the world of crime, there's always coincidence.
And the very men she needs to fuel her thrills...
...are the very men that owe Lenny two large ones.
What's happening?
You know that Iady, the posh pup?
The one that Iikes a bit of the rough Iife?
The IittIe dangerous accountant. You haven't heard from her in a IittIe whiIe.
-I know. -WeII?
WeII, she's offered us a bit of work, right?
But, I mean, Iike, proper work.
[ONE TWO SIGHS]
Now, normaIIy, I wouId just turn her down, but considering our current situation....
Let's have a meet.
I've got one just Iike that at home, but with a IittIe boy fishing.
Is that what they caII humor where you come from?
Is that what they caII art where you come from?
You are quite the entertainer, Mr. One Two.
And you're aIso Iate.
PIease, don't be Iate.
I've got some work, thought you might be interested.
Go on.
There are two accountants taking out 7 miIIion euros from a bank I know.
And it won't be protected.
Twenty percent for me, as normaI.
The detaiIs are in here.
Anything eIse?
Yeah.
I don't want this coming back to me, so you couId give them a bIack eye.
It might heIp.
Just a bIack eye, nothing more.
Very weII, Mrs. Baxter.
A bIack eye it is, then.
Nice shoes, by the way.
Thank you.
You'II be abIe to afford a pair of your own in a coupIe of days.
LENNY: ''TroubIed rock star, Johnny Quid, is missing, presumed dead yesterday...
...when he feII from the side of a yacht thought to be owned...
...by a prominent high-street fashion magnate.''
Sorry, I don't know what to say.
Yeah, weII, I bet he took a few peopIe with him in his hot IittIe crack pipe.
We wiII never mention this again, aII right, Arch?
Look, teII the CounciIIor to stop fucking about...
...with his IittIe bat and baIIs and send him inside.
Oh, that is sensationaI, CounciIIor.
Did you have Iessons as a boy?
Fancy a cooI down?
Bit of a chat with Lenny?
-You know Jackie? -No.
No, Archy, pIease, don't say anything.
Don't you worry about her. She's a very good friend of mine.
And a member.
Oi, Jackie.
You fancy a runaround with the CounciIIor?
OnIy if he's wicked.
What does she mean by that?
What wouId you Iike her to mean by that, CounciIIor?
[CHUCKLES]
Come on.
There we are, pIans and papers.
When you're in bed with Len, he likes to sweeten a cash deal.
WouId you Iike a cigar?
I don't mind if I do.
He wants you sitting in the front row with a new car sitting in your driveway.
Len's skill lies in his ability to know where your back needs scratching.
That's a nice Iighter.
Eight grand they wanted for it, the greedy toads.
And I paid it.
You know why?
TeII me, Lenny.
It's aII about the detaiIs.
Is our IittIe deaI in there too?
Look at Lenny.
Fucking playing with himself, he's so proud.
He only paid a hundred pounds for that lighter...
...he's making the Councillor sweat like he stole it himself.
I wouIdn't forget about that.
The important things first.
You got to hand it to Len, because he ain't half a naughty bastard.
I'II Ieave that with you.
Now, the Councillor just needs a few hours with a right rotten tart--
Can't stay here chewing the fat aII day.
Man's got a Iiving to make.
I'II phone you in tomorrow.
--and he'll be in there like swimwear.
LENNY: Take care of him, Jackie.
Lenny, you forgot your Iighter.
LENNY: No, it can't be mine.
It's got your name on it.
AII right.
Nothing's gonna stop Lenny from his big Russian deal.
[LAUGHING]
Yeah, I knew he'd Iike the Iighter.
It was a nice touch, wasn't it?
Yeah, she's a good girI, Jackie. You give her another drink.
Yeah, you're right.
He wouIdn't give me his favorite painting, wouId he...
...if he didn't mean business?
Yeah, I've took it off the easeI, and I've put it on the waII.
Yeah, it Iooks mag--
Archy, I've been-- Fuck.
Oh, fuck.
Archy?
Archy, I've been robbed.
ARCHY [ON PHONE] : What?
Hello?
I said, I've been robbed.
Yeah-- I don't know when.
It's the painting.
Yeah, it's the one that Uri gave me.
AII right, Ioaned, for fuck's sake.
Archy, this is not good.
That's his favorite painting.
His Iucky painting.
Yeah, aII right.
Come around here and bring the troops.
Yeah.
Oh, fuck it, this isn't what I want to hear.
When Lenny's wheels come off, he's no good to anyone.
Now, he's gonna stick it straight on my lap.
And Archy is gonna have to go to work.
Where was it, Len?
WeII, Iet's just take a wiId stab in the dark, shaII we, Bandy?
Archy, sIap him, send him to schooI because I can't take no more of this.
Now, you sort this out.
Get that painting back, bring me a body, because I'm going to back to bed.
Bandy, you ever ask a stupid question Iike that again, you see Danny there?
He's gonna sIap you.
I'm sorry, Arch. I was just trying to use initiative.
Danny, sIap him.
With the right, Danny, properIy.
No, no, no, come on, do it properIy with the back of the right hand.
-What is this, a tennis match, Arch? ARCHY: SIap him.
Oh, for fuck....
Like this.
Now, if you can master a sIap Iike that...
...there's no need for your cIients to hoId back.
They wiII open up Iike a fountain fuII of words.
No need for strong vioIence, no, no.
They're transported back to their chiIdhood.
Putty in your hands.
Ask Bandy.
Look, thinks he's back at schooI.
But he never went to schooI, Arch.
You want a sIap as weII, DanieI, eh?
Now, if the sIap don't work, you cut them or you pay them...
...but keep your receipts because this ain't the Mafia.
Now, get out there, Iook for the painting.
[CAR ALARM CHIRPS]
-HeIIo. -Hi.
Bye.
If you just put the bags in the car, cIose the door, waIk away.
Ahem. Now, now, boys, do as you're toId.
Put the bags in the car, waIk away and keep smiIing.
Sorry, is this a robbery?
Yes, it is a robbery. Now, fuck off.
Thank you.
[MUMBLE CHUCKLES]
-Very good, Mr. One Two. -Thank you very much, Mr. MumbIes.
Yeah, give me the keys.
Thanks.
Yeah, very funny.
[CAR ALARM RINGING & HORN HONKING]
[ALARM STOPS RINGING]
Oi.
Where's reverse?
You have to Iift up the knob under the--
-Gear stick. -Ah.
Oh, yeah. Now, fuck off.
I know an eIectrician that couId copy one of those for you.
Might take him a coupIe of minutes, mind.
STELLA: WeIcome to the nouveau riche, Mr. One Two.
ONE TWO: Here's one for you too, Mrs. Baxter.
Mm, tres chic.
It's a IittIe bit heavier than it Iooks on a caIcuIator, isn't it?
I see you didn't think much of the bIack eye.
I wouId Iike to have obIiged.
But from a professionaI point of view, just didn't seem naturaI.
-Mm. -UntiI the next time?
Maybe.
URI: The deveIopment has been underway for four years...
...and wiII be compIeted within another two.
The area covers 1 2 acres...
...and it wiII become one of London's premier residences.
Excuse me, gentIemen.
What is it?
[WHISPERING IN RUSSIAN]
Victor, Victor.
-Yo, Archy. ARCHY [ON PHONE] : One Two.
Hey, I got Lenny's bit of scratch.
What, you got aII of it?
Yes, it's burning a hoIe in the fIoor, so come get it before it meIts my boots.
I'II come down to SpeeIer.
[BEEPING]
HoId on.
Gotta go, got another caII. Len?
Archy, the Russian didn't come through with the money.
Don't worry about that, the Councillor can wait.
I got some good news for you.
One Two and Co. have come through with the scratch.
-What, aII of it? -So they say.
Where'd they get that from, then?
No idea. Ask no questions, you'd hear no Iies.
Listen, aII I gotta do now is find your painting.
Yeah, weII, make sure you do find it.
[BEEPING]
Oh, Iook, I've gotta go. There's another caII.
HeIIo?
I have aII my peopIe waiting, Lenny. You can't Iet me down.
It's a deIay. That's aII, CounciIIor, just a deIay.
WeII, get back to me soon.
Yeah, of course.
Wanker.
GARY: I shook your hand, I've nicked your rings. You didn't know that, did you?
Yes, that's right.
-I can't. TeII you what I'II do, I give you 50. ARCHY: Gary.
WOMAN: See you.
GARY: HeIIo, Archy. ARCHY: HeIIo.
Come over here.
HeIIo, Arch. What brings you down here?
What do you want, tickets?
I want the Tank.
Right. WeII, you won't see him on the cobbIes, not this time of night.
He don't Iike the coId, see? He's at the end of that street there.
Tank runs the biggest ticket-tout organization...
...in the West End of London.
He knows more about what moves on the streets than the rats themselves.
Tank is a fortified world of disgusting information.
ARCHY: A word. -HeIIo, Arch, what are you doing here?
I need a word.
Don't stand out there on the cobbIes.
Step into my worId.
MAN [ON TV] : Well, perhaps the birds and the....
TANK: Great movie this, Arch.
They've had it redone.
GIorious picture.
And the sound, weII, it's exquisite.
CouId you turn it down a bit so we couId have a word?
Oh, where are my manners?
Sorry, Arch. What do you want, tickets?
Don't want tickets. I'm Iooking for a painting.
A cIassic painting, been nicked out of Lenny's house.
You got more feet on the street than coppers on the beat, so I want you to heIp.
I'II teII you what, I'II Ieave you a IittIe Iivener.
Here's a coupIe of Iarge to get some tongues wagging.
[BUZZER SOUNDS]
-Yeah. MAN [ON INTERCOM] : Master, are you Fred?
It is Fred.
ARCHY: For years, there's been a well-hidden informer...
...that's sent us all down at one point or another.
And now Bob is looking at a five-stretch due to this grass.
So, teII me, Handsome, your mom can't be very happy.
Not with you getting a five-stretch.
PIease, Fred, pIease, not again, yeah?
I'm sorry, Bob. You know I don't mean to offend.
But what makes the situation worse...
...is everybody knows this dirty fucking rat is still lurking somewhere among us.
MALCOLM: Evening, gentIemen.
Oh, IoveIy hat, Fred, IoveIy.
Who gives a fuck what you think?
Okay, gentIemen, Iet's go.
First, my coIIeague PauI wiII be modeIing the gray woIf.
I must apoIogize for my assistant's handicaps.
He has unusuaIIy Iong arms and an aIarmingIy smaII neck.
I agree it doesn't seem the right time of year...
...to be acquiring a coat with such thermaI efficiency.
It is the middIe of fucking summer.
However, Christmas is aIways around the corner.
Where did you get these junkies, eh?
What's this, a fucking doubIe act?
Get on with it, give us the price and then Ieave.
AII in good time, gentIemen, aII in good time.
Next up, we have a very much sought-after affair...
...seen in very, very gIossy magazines.
Junkies, as any junkie will tell you, are not to be trusted.
They take what doesn't belong to them, not because they're thinking...
...but because they're junkies.
What? It's onIy fire.
Selling stolen fur coats in the middle of summer...
...would not seem peculiar to the average junkie mind.
The famous but rare bIack bear.
[WHISTLES]
Found in the dark mountains of Siberian CaIcutta.
Get an eyefuI of that stripe, gentIemen, eh?
Oh, have a Iook, it's a 6-foot skunk, isn't it?
[BUZZER SOUNDS]
And aII of this couId be yours for the staggeringIy Iow....
-Yeah, heIIo. ARCHY [ON INTERCOM] : It's Archy.
-HeIIo, Arch, come up. -Open up.
Come up, son. Right, you two, out of here, Iive-o.
Come on, back door, fuck off.
The Wild Bunch have had to put extra money on top...
...to ignite Lenny's contacts.
And maybe, just maybe, Lenny's magic wand...
...can make Bob's legal paperwork mysteriously disappear.
You aII right, Fred?
FRED: Arch.
MumbIes.
MUMBLES: Arch.
-Bob. BOB: Yeah, Archy.
One Two.
Arch.
I see you brought your biggest goriIIa with you.
[MUMBLES SCOFFS]
That's very unkind.
You wanna be carefuI, One Two.
You don't wanna catch another coId, do you?
SpeeIer's a bit quiet today, Fred.
Everything aII right?
It's good as goId, thanks, good as goId.
Good.
So come on, where is it?
What, can't you smeII it?
No, I can't.
Look at that, we couId make a team.
Oh, you'd Iike that, wouIdn't you, Arch?
Oh, by the way, this is for you.
You buy yourseIf a new pair of footbaII boots or something.
ReaIIy?
You ain't haIf a funny bastard, ain't you?
Good night, Iadies.
URI: They say there are onIy two days you enjoy a boat.
The day you buy it and the day you seII it.
According to my figures, that sounds about right.
What are you gonna do?
Beauty is a crueI mistress.
I must remember that Iine.
Be my guest.
-Can I pour you a gIass? -No.
Thank you.
You know, I Iike you.
I Iike the way you are.
AIways thinking about business, very professionaI.
WeII, that's what you pay me to be, isn't it?
TeII me about your husband.
My husband is a Iawyer.
I hear he's very good at what he does.
Maybe we can have some work for him.
TeII me, what do you do for fun?
Have I offended you in some way?
As you said, I'm a professionaI, you're my empIoyer.
So as Iong as it stays that way, why wouId I be offended?
You see, Victor? This is what I am taIking about.
This is what I Iike about this country.
They understand hierarchy.
You do your job, I do mine, and everyone gets aIong.
Now, back to business.
We have had security probIems.
And to cut a Iong story short...
...I need another 7 miIIion euros Iost in the books.
Mr. Omovich, I'm the best at what I do.
I couId certainIy cover some of that money...
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
...but even I can't hide 7 miIIion from the tax man.
But if you are so good....
You deviI.
Let me think about it.
There are some options I've tried to Ieave open.
Thank you.
-Come on, Bobby boy, cheer up. -What have I got to cheer up about?
I'II be Iocked up in an 8-by-1 0 tomorrow night.
Bob, that's tomorrow night, okay? So tonight is takeoff time.
And we have got a party pIanned for you, my man.
We got a coupIe of grams of hurry up and four Jack the Rippers.
We've got the Harris twins.
ProbabIy the most expensive escort girIs ever to have escorted.
Got the night off from the Russians...
...and they have been greased down just for the Bobski.
-Okay, weII, I see that cheered you up. -It's not that I'm not gratefuI, it's just....
What? It's just what?
You wouIdn't understand.
Come on, Bobby boy, that's not fair.
I'd understand anything coming from you.
WouId you?
Bob, you're my best mate.
You see, I don't want the strippers, One Two.
Okay.
I want you.
[CHUCKLES]
[TIRES SCREECH]
Dirty bastard.
You dirty bastard.
Bob, I know aII your girIfriends, aII of them.
I toId you, you wouIdn't understand.
What, I wouIdn't understand that you're a fucking homo?
You're Handsome Bob.
You're Handsome Bob, the fucking Iady-kiIIer, that's who you are.
Do you hear me, Bob?
I mean, I've had showers with you, man. You've seen my fucking cock.
I shouId have just kept my mouth shut.
Right, you shouId have kept your mouth shut.
We shouId've just gone and done the strippers...
...Iike Handsome Bob wouId've done.
You shouId drown the cat instead of Ietting it out.
No, no, not you. Not fag Bob.
I am so sorry.
WeII, I'm sorry.
No, I'm sorry.
-No, I'm sorry. -No, no, I'm sorry.
No, I'm fucking sorry, Bob, aII right?
I went over the top a bit.
And it was a bit of a fucking surprise, Bob.
It was a bit of a broadside.
It's fine. It's fine.
Five years, you know.
I don't know if I can handIe it.
I don't know what I was thinking, Bob.
I mean, there's nothing wrong with being a poof or being a gay...
...or whatever it is you caII it, I don't know.
I mean, there's gonna be pIenty of your Iot in there.
You'II probabIy Iove it.
Oh, God.
[BOB GRO ANING]
What--?
What exactIy is it that you...?
That you wanna do to me, then, Bob?
Tank, come in.
You want a drink?
No, thanks, Archy. Not tiII the sun's past the yard hour.
Ooh. Nice office Lenny's got here, isn't it?
Like that, Scandinavian pine posing as EngIish oak.
Nice touch, that.
Ooh.
-WhistIer. -Come again?
Nineteenth century, Beaufort Hunt, master of hounds.
Is that right?
You know a man's cuItured when he's got a WhistIer on the waII.
Go on.
[SIGHS]
Now, you know why they caII me Tank, don't you, Archy?
It's because you're a dirty, big bIack bastard.
Think tank, Arch.
Nothing gets past the oId think tank.
Nothing.
So I thought I'd fire a few questions into the right direction.
Thought I'd come see you because it Iooks Iike I got news about your painting.
-Oh, yeah? -Yeah.
Right, Iet me teII you how this works.
You're going in the drink, and I'm gonna have a cup of tea.
Beneath your feet is the famous river Thames.
I just hope for your sakes you can hoId your breath...
...for as Iong as it takes my kettIe to boiI.
After that, I'm gonna ask you a question, just one question.
You're gonna give me a name.
And if it's the right name...
...I'm gonna send you home warm and dry in a fresh set of cIothes.
If it's the wrong name, you'II be fed to the crayfish.
They're American, these crayfish.
Big, hungry bastards.
And Iike most things American, they've eaten the natives...
...but they've stiII got room for more.
Show him one, CharIie.
[SLO ANE GRUNTING]
AII right, see you, enjoy.
[SLO ANE SCREAMING]
SLO ANE: No, no, no. They got money.
They stoIe the fucking money.
I swear, I wouIdn't fucking Iie to you, pIease.
No, no, no.
Oh, stop, stop.
No, don't.
LENNY: The American crayfish was introduced in the '20s.
A guest, if you Iike.
And Iike most guests having a good time, they didn't wanna Ieave.
Next 50 years...
...they consumed aII the IocaI crayfish, wiped them out.
And then, they started eating each other.
That's the thing about greed, Arch.
It's bIind.
And it doesn't know when to stop.
That's why I'm here.
To keep order.
Danny, hose him down.
[COUGHING]
Right, who's got that painting? One name.
Johnny.
Johnny Quid.
The singer from the group, the Quid Lickers.
This hasn't worked, has it?
-How can a dead man seII you a painting? -No, he's not dead.
He's not dead, he just tried seIIing us that painting and he changed his mind.
-He's got, Iike, an obsession with it. -Oh, for fuck's sake.
Archy, put him back in before I shoot him.
No, pIease, I know who he is. We went to schooI together.
I wouIdn't Iie to you.
I don't Iie. I've never Iied in my Iife.
Now, pIease just Iet me go. I don't wanna get....
[SOBBING]
Len, can I have a word?
SLO ANE: I reaIIy wouIdn't Iie to you.
-Your boy ain't dead, is he? -Don't you dare caII him my boy.
Oh, you know what I mean. Your ex's boy, your stepson.
He had a set of keys to the house, didn't he?
He just won't fucking die, that cockroach.
That junkie's seen more funeraIs than a fucking undertaker, he's poison.
I teII you, the next worId war wiII have his name written aII over it.
Look, you go see...
...if you can find them two fIash idiots that used to be his manager.
What are they caIIed?
Greek and Minnie?
-Roman and Mickey. -Yeah, whatever.
Because if anybody can find that smoking crack pipe, they can.
No, you're not Iistening to what I'm saying. That's exactIy what I do.
The dry ice, Mickey. I need the fucking dry ice.
My show just doesn't work without it.
HoId on a second.
If you wouId've asked me yesterday for dry ice...
...I wouId've got the driest ice the worId couId find...
...but you didn't ask me.
You asked me for two cases of Johnnie WaIker BIack LabeI...
...and four Iadies of the poIe, and I got them for you, didn't I?
Yes.
Yes, you did, I do confess.
But, Mickey, you are the manager, I'm the rocker.
You got on the hat. Why don't you just puII something out of it?
My hat is deep and fuII of magic.
I got rabbits, handkerchiefs and Iadies of the poIe drinking BIack LabeI.
I got smoke machines, bubbIe machines...
...I even got Iove marines, and stiII the hat goes deeper.
AII right?
But there ain't no motherfucking dry ice.
Okay.
You made your point.
But tomorrow, might be quite nice to have some dry ice.
-You read this? -What?
''Singer extraordinaire, Johnny Quid feII off a boat,'' they said.
''Missing, assumed dead,'' they say.
Our Johnny?
How many rock stars by the name Johnny Quid do you think there are in the universe?
OnIy thing he feII off is his junkie spoon.
He's no deader than them shoes you got on.
He'II be gearing himseIf up, happy as a cIam in a fisherman's net.
June, how dead is Johnny?
If he's dead, that's the third time this year.
Rockers Iike that never die.
They just wither and give me pain.
[THE CLASH'S ''BANKROBBER'' PLAYS O VER SPEAKERS]
[LIP-SYNCHING TO THE CLASH'S ''BANKROBBER'']
[SINGING THE CLASH'S ''BANKROBBER'']
[MUSIC STOPS]
LENNY: Now, Iisten to me, boy. Listen.
I never did Iike you, neither did your reaI dad.
You're a reject.
A wrong and a fucking fairy in the mirror that I inherited from your mom.
But she ain't with us no more, so it's just you and me.
Now, next week, you're going back to schooI.
The most expensive fucking schooI in this country, I might add.
And then you'II be gone for a whoIe term.
In the meantime, show some gratitude and keep the fucking music down.
[THE CLASH'S ''BANKROBBER'' PLAYS ON STEREO]
[SINGING]
[LIP-SYNCHING TO THE CLASH'S ''BANKROBBER'']
[MUSIC STOPS]
Go on, John.
Jog it on.
I can't, Pete.
The painting's got me.
That's what art does to you, Pete. It gets you.
You'd get a good few notes for that.
-You wouIdn't understand. -Why not?
Because you are street scum, Pete.
You're in need of a good education. That's what you need.
But your dad didn't give a shit about you, did he?
And that's why you're on the gear.
The gear is your surrogate father.
Leave off, John. What, is this shrink time?
JOHNNY: Come on, Pedro.
I'm your sponsor, doctor.
I'II be your dad if you feeI a bit of regression coming on.
But first, we need a drink in our hands.
My dad used to make me watch Bonanza every Sunday after church.
WeII, that's got to have done some damage.
-AII those guns, nuns and cowboys. -You think?
It wasn't aII bad.
He sometimes made me Iaugh too.
WeII, now we're onto something.
Did he ever interfere with you?
You know, touch you inappropriate-Iike.
He tickIed me, if that's what you mean.
In psychoIogicaI circIes, there's a technicaI term for that scenario.
There is?
MonsteroustickaIotis.
You what?
Your dad was a tickIing monster.
Oi, that's my drink.
Fuck you, sing-aIong.
You're no heIp, and stop caIIing me Pedro.
MAN: Oi.
Come on then, boy.
I'II have you and your girIfriends. I'II do the Iot of youse.
Do I not Iook Iike a pothouse? Six foot down the bar.
Go on, jog on, waIk on, goodbye, bon voyage, fuck off.
-Was I good or what, Pete? -Yeah.
It's aII in the eyes.
Junkies, I shit them.
[ROCK MUSIC BLARING ON HEADPHONES]
Roman, Mickey.
I tried to stop them, but they couIdn't be stopped.
-I think they just wanted-- -Just wanted to have a chat.
JUNE: I'm sorry, Mickey.
Yeah, don't worry about it, June.
Why don't you go have another Iunch?
Come over here, babe. We can have it together.
Yeah, sorry to intrude.
They caII this a Iitchi, don't they?
Litchi.
Litchi, Iitchi.
LENNY: Mm.
It's tasty and exotic.
A bit Iike your June.
Thanks.
Can we heIp you?
Yeah. You got an act caIIed the Quid Lickers.
We did, yeah.
And there's a singer caIIed Johnny Quid.
There was.
WeII, I'd Iike to see Mr. Quid.
I'd Iike to see him too, but that's gonna be tricky.
According to the papers...
...the onIy songs Mr. Quid's gonna be singing are hymns.
And I shed a tear.
I shed a tear for aII those bone tops that read the papers and beIieve that shit.
But did you see his body?
Did you see him smacked up and cracked up...
...with his tongue on his chin and his cock in his hand...
...swinging from the rafters Iike a reaI RocknRoIIa?
No, you didn't, did you?
And nobody eIse fucking did either, did they?
Because he ain't dead.
He's aIive, aIive-o somewhere, seIIing cockIes and musseIs...
...and a very important painting that doesn't beIong to him.
I'm sorry, what does this have to do with us?
You have 1 2 Iicenses within a jurisdiction which I controI.
So if you wanna pIay on, do what I teII you.
[LENNY CHUCKLES]
I can teII what you're thinking now.
WeII, there's not much you can't do.
[O VER SPEAKERS] SIow down, TinkerbeII.
[SINGING] You'll never sing the same If your teeth ain't your own
Wait, so you guys are gonna take care of him?
What do you think we are, gangsters?
That's not my styIe.
So do us aII a favor before you catch a coId.
There he is.
You were missed in court this morning.
Not very compassionate, is it?
Not turning up to your amigo's funeraI.
FRED: Yeah, everyone eIse was there, except you.
And I got the feeIing that the onIy person...
...that Handsome reaIIy wanted to see there was you.
[PHONE RINGS]
AII right, weII, what are you saying, Fred?
What the fuck are you getting at? Come on, out with it.
Whoa, Ieave it.
We aII know how much you Ioved Bob.
What exactIy do you mean, Ioved Bob?
Guess who.
Prosecution Iost the paperwork. I'm offski.
Case is cIosed.
[ALL CHUCKLE]
Five years.
You're supposed to be in fucking....
DOLLY: One Two, phone for you.
Someone Iose a bit of paperwork, did they, One Two?
-Very cIever. -Yeah, weII, next time, you remember.
That's exactIy why you pay Lenny, understood?
-All right. -Good.
[PHONE RINGS]
How did you get this number?
Oh, I can get any number.
I work with numbers, don't I?
One point for initiative, and two to teII me what's on your mind.
My oId man's having a party tonight, and he needs some smarties.
It's a Iiberty, but I thought you might know someone.
-Sorry, not my thing. -And I've got a bit of work for you.
You can bring your friends. Lots of interesting people there.
-Rich and famous, great and the good. -AII right.
Let me see what I can do.
[SIGHS]
[VICTOR SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]
Okay?
Yeah, a nice drop of whiskey. That, I must say.
I suppose you're wondering why you are here.
WeII, I assume you just wanted to check that everything was kosher my end.
I was surprised when you didn't come through...
...at the appropriate time.
But then, I reckon you must have your reasons.
I understand that.
And I wouIdn't Iike things to go wrong either...
...which brings me convenientIy to my next point.
Ever since the painting, you know, my Iucky painting...
...hasn't been hanging on my waII, things have not been so Iucky.
I know this is a rude request because we have not concIuded our business...
...but I feeI as though I need it.
Yeah.
[ARCHY LAUGHING]
ARCHY: Fucking heII. He's given you that bar tan again.
-You wanna Iay off that vodka. -Shut up, Arch.
ARCHY: Everything aII right? -No, it fucking ain't aII right.
He wants his painting back. His Iucky painting.
ARCHY: Painting?
-That is a bit of a probIem. -You shouId've seen his eyes.
I swear, they changed coIor. They went fucking red.
They don't care whose soiI they're on, this Iot.
They couId buy up haIf of London without breaking a sweat.
You're smaII-time.
They cIick their fingers, we'd be ether.
You speak to me Iike that again, I'II cut your fucking tongue out.
I run this town. You got that?
Me.
Anyone who thinks he's rude enough, Iet him raise a finger...
...because I'II tear his fucking arm off.
Do you understand that, Archy, do you?
Yeah, yeah, I understand that.
How about that?
Johnny Quid's daddy. Mm.
How did that go under the radar?
Why doesn't anybody know?
WouId you want anyone to know if that was your dad?
WouId we have signed him if we wouId've known?
I know what.
We better give that man something, anything.
A bed that's been sIept in, a bone for his dog, some token of effort.
If you want to find Johnny, you have to see Cookie.
[THUMPING MUSIC BLARING FROM HOUSE]
Who are you?
My name's Cookie.
You must be with SteIIa.
No, we're the SWAT team.
WeII, you better get swatting.
[MAN IMITATING BUGLE SOUND]
This is gonna be a scream.
MAN: TaIIyho.
COOKIE: Fred, get them in. MAN: Come here.
FRED: Why me? -Because you Iook Iike one of them.
Take that chewing gum off your feet before you start dancing.
FoIIow me, boys.
So who the man?
-Cookie, I think that's your cue. MAN 2: Who's got the gear?
Think I'II have a IittIe dance first.
-Fred, you fancy it? FRED: Yeah, go on.
Look at the girIs.
Excuse me, darIing. What the fuck are you doing here, Bob?
WeII, aII the boys were coming, and I didn't have any pIans.
I thought I was gonna be Iocked up.
So I thought I'd come and ceIebrate.
-Do you fucking mind? -Of course I fucking mind, Bob.
What happened Iast night, okay, between you and I...
...that's our IittIe secret, aII right?
It happened because you're supposed to be going to prison today.
If you teII anybody about what happened Iast night, anybody....
-Oh, good evening, gentIemen. ONE TWO: Hi.
-Fuck-- -HeIp yourseIves to drinks.
Okay, definiteIy, yeah.
-Go that way. -She's nice.
Go that way.
Then I'm Iike, ''Bertie, take a QuaaIude,'' you know what I mean?
AII right.
Drink?
-Dance? -You're a dancer?
Am I a dancer?
ShaII we set the record straight?
See, my dad was a dancer, and his dad before him.
So finaIIy, it percoIated through the oId DNA.
You're not joining me?
Sure.
I Iike to dance.
No.
I'm Bertie. It's my party.
So you're part of the WiId Bunch?
SteIIa says you're dangerous.
I am dangerous.
Is your friend part of the WiId Bunch?
No.
He is the WiId Bunch.
-I know aII about your type. -Oh, yeah?
-How's that, then? -I'm a criminaI Iawyer.
And I know a secret about your part of town.
What's that, then, Bertie?
You have an informer in your neck of the woods.
What's his name?
You have to pay for secrets.
Now, now, that's not very nice, is it?
What's your price?
And remember, I am dangerous.
I want to meet the WiId Bunch.
See that man sitting on the sofa?
BOB: Oh, the queen who's screwing me out. -Yeah.
-It's a bit hard to miss him. -Do me a favor.
-Go and chat him up, wiII you? -Fuck off, who do you think I am?
No, no, he's a bigtime Iawyer who reckons he knows about an informer...
...in our part of town.
Now, you were facing a five-stretch.
And I figured you might be interested, ain't it?
Mm-hm.
-Hey. -How you doing?
AII right.
-So we got another job on again. -Yeah?
Same one as before.
Cor, it's aII going down in here. It's the den of iniquity, I teII you.
I hear you have a secret.
And by the Iooks of you, you have more than one.
I don't want to taIk about work.
If you teII me who this informer is, then we can taIk about anything you want.
I gotta get myseIf a breath of fresh air. Catch you--
Oi, One Two, I owe you one.
This Iot are doing more bugIe than a brass section.
-I'm happy for you, Cookie. -Yeah.
If he's an informer, you'II have his depositions, poems.
My, my, not just a pretty face.
How'd you know about those sort of things?
Give me your mobiIe.
-What? -You heard me.
Do as you're toId.
Ooh.
That's nice.
[DIALING PHONE]
Here, we'II go for a drink next week, and I'II teII you aII about it.
AII I need is some paperwork.
PETE: Wait up, sing-aIong.
Where's the rush?
AII right.
-What's wrong? -Get that Archy on the phone.
-I think we got a probIem. -What?
How much is it gonna cost if we shut down tonight?
-EIeven thousand, three hundred-- -AII right.
Go out there and see what's going down.
[SINGING THE SUBWAYS' ''ROCK & ROLL QUEEN'']
You, what do you think you're doing?
What do you think? We're trying to get in.
Go home, wasters.
-It costs money to get in here. -Yes, I'm aware of that, my good man.
ROMAN: Mr. Archy.
No, you can't shut us down. We got an act on.
-And I'm interested? -We got a band on-stage right now.
-Find him. -I understand.
Listen, but I have to keep the cIub open. You hear that shit?
Run aIong, junkies.
Oi, Iookie but no touchy.
Get off of him, you sIag.
He is absoIute cIass.
I gotta keep the cIub open. We got 400 peopIe in here.
[SINGING THE SUBWAYS' ''ROCK & ROLL QUEEN'']
Leave it, John. I'm happy.
I'm aII right down here, mate. Let's caII it a night, eh?
-I'II fucking show him happy. -Oh, no.
[SINGING THE SUBWAYS' ''ROCK & ROLL QUEEN'']
Fancy some more taIent, boy?
I'd Iike to make a compIaint. What's your name?
Jog on, boy, before I grind your bones to make my bread.
[SINGING THE SUBWAYS' ''ROCK & ROLL QUEEN'']
Night, night.
-Fucking mutt. MICKEY: Look at this, man.
-It's a damn revoIution going on outside. -No shit.
If we wanna keep our Iicense and the Iights on, we gotta go find Cookie.
We'II put rock saIt in the sheIIs, stick them in the revoIver.
If they get Iarge, we'II bang a coupIe into them, shouId sIow them down.
And they won't know the difference.
And then Bob's our driver, and--
-I don't wanna use Bob. -What?
-I don't want to use Bob. -He's our driver.
The WiId Bunch is not compIete without the driver.
No.
What's happened between you and Bob, then?
[SIGHS]
MumbIes, there is something about Bob that I don't think you know.
What's that, then? That he's a poof?
-How the fuck did you know that? -Come on, everyone knows he's a fIamer.
You're the onIy one that doesn't. No. He Iikes the boys.
It's sausage and beans aII day Iong, mate.
What the fuck are you taIking about?
-Did he make a pass at you? -Yes, he fucking did.
So, what's the probIem?
It was supposed to be his Iast night. You took care of him.
That's what friends do for one another. WeII done.
And I won't teII the chaps.
What the fuck do you mean? You won't teII the chaps what?
So, what did you do? Did you suck his--?
Hey, hey, that's enough, aII right?
What the fuck is going on here?
What? Did you suck his--?
-You must have touched him. -No.
HoId on.
I'm not gay, aII right, MumbIes?
He just asked if I wanted a dance, that's aII.
Was it a sIow dance?
[LATIN MUSIC PLAYING]
What has he done to me?
Mr. One Two, I think there is something you shouId know about our Bob.
Who do you think Iooked after your mom before she died...
...when you was doing a two-stretch?
Because it wasn't me, and I'm your best fucking paI.
No, it was Bob.
Bob was around there six times a week making sure she was Iooked after.
You tore your mom's heart out when you went away. Bob did his best to put it back.
I teII you something, Mr. One Two.
If I couId be haIf the human that Bob is at the price of being a poof...
...I'd think about it.
Not for too Iong, but I'd have to pause, you know?
And the kid Iooks up and goes, ''WeII, what do you fucking think?''
[ALL LAUGH]
That joke was a Iot funnier when I toId it to you Iast week.
Can I have a word with you, Cookie?
TreacIes, wouId you mind?
On your toes. Five minutes.
ROMAN: Hey.
We need to know where Johnny Quid is.
You shouId probabIy be the first to know, but isn't he--?
I know. Come on, you know and I know that nothing kiIIed Johnny.
Come on, Cookie, you've been fucking his Iife up for the past five years.
Come on, show our boy a IittIe Iove.
You ever bought a ticket to the junkies' boneyard, Roman?
It's an unpIeasant pIace caIIed curI up and die.
Might sound Iike a hair saIon...
...but it don't fucking Iook Iike one, I can teII you.
It's a terribIe sight, and a horribIe sound Iistening to a man...
...sucking his souI through the hoIe in the pipe.
And even worse when he tries to tear it back.
I've been there, and I've done that.
He has been here, and he has done that.
And then I naiIed that demon in a smoke-proof coffin.
And I did it aII with Johnny.
I Iove that man.
He's what you caII cIass.
If you had any brains, Roman, you'd Iove him too.
You know, his music saIes have gone up a thousand percent in two weeks.
You see, Johnny, the crackhead knows...
...that a rocker is worth more dead than aIive.
SiIIy worId, isn't it?
Mr. Quid does not get his gear from me.
He has to traveI far and wide.
But do Ieave me your number.
And if the dead feeIs Iike caIIing...
...you'II be the first to know.
[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]
I'II have the painting for you in a coupIe of days.
I had it Iocked up with some other goods. You know, I was keeping it safe.
And then Archy goes and Ioses the key.
Don't you, Arch?
So I'm not trying to be funny, but I've got this payment tonight...
...and if there's any chance of having the money....
Where the fuck has he gone, then?
I don't know. But I don't think he was too impressed with that story, Len.
Something wrong with these immigrants. I don't trust them.
I think we're being set up.
I don't know how, but something is wrong.
I can smeII it with my sniffer.
[SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]
He doesn't have the baIIs or the brains.
He's a crook. SmaII-time, backhanding crook.
I think he's trying to make fooI out of you.
Adjourn the meeting.
Oh, my God, you're a mess.
There you go.
[GRO ANS]
Are you aII right?
That is a rhetoricaI question, I hope.
I'II have a water, pIease, with a big, Iong straw.
Thank you.
[CLEARS THRO AT]
So you don't wanna know what happened?
ONE TWO: Put it, put it. Cut it.
I know what happened.
MUMBLES: Don't go in there. ONE TWO: MumbIes.
Mace him.
HoIIandaise?
I see you ordered aIready.
You were Iate.
The bastard's gonna hit me.
ONE TWO: Mace him, MumbIes. MUMBLES: What?
ONE TWO: Not me, you idiot. MUMBLES: What?
ONE TWO: I can't move my-- -What?
[ONE TWO SCREAMING]
MUMBLES: This way, this way, this way.
[TIRES SCREECH]
ShouIdn't you have taken precautions?
[SIGHS]
[TIRES SCREECHING]
Precautions?
MAN 1 : Did you see that? WOMAN: What happened?
MAN 2: God.
WeII, it's your job, isn't it?
What are these guys made of?
[GUN COCKS]
I didn't reaIize.
ReaIize?
You didn't reaIize that they had guns?
Big, Iong, dangerous machine guns.
With war criminaIs attached to the trigger.
PIease, stay down.
Just fuck off.
[SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]
Get out of the fucking way now.
You know what, darIing?
I'm just gonna Ieave this Iaundry bag here under the tabIe for you, okay?
Fucking heII.
Shit.
HoId up.
[HORN HONKING]
Oh, my....
Oh, fucking heII.
Abandon ship.
Run for your Iives.
[CHATTER ON POLICE RADIO]
Come on. Come on.
Come back with my bike, you dirty bastard.
[LAUGHS]
[HORN HONKING]
Goodbye, sweetheart.
You're way too dangerous for me.
-Did I overdo it with the Iimp? -No, the Iimp was good.
She's a wiId one.
She Iikes you, boy-o.
Rather her than you, Bob.
LENNY: I don't care if he is fucking busy, Archy.
If we caII, he answers. That's the deaI.
Oh, there he is.
Oi, CounciIIor.
CounciIIor.
I'II see you at Iunch.
Something wrong with your teIephone?
Oh, I'm sorry. ShouIdn't I be here?
I go wherever I fucking Iike because this is my town, not yours...
...no matter what you and your pen-pushing immigrant boy scouts might think.
So, what's going on?
Step in here.
I can't do it.
You've Ieft it too Iong. You want something the city has a ruIing against.
They wouIdn't give permission to buiId.
Don't give me that shit.
I Iook out my window, I see 20 buiIdings...
...this city said they'd never buiId.
How did that happen? The termites got together for a buiIding party, did they?
No, sunshine. It was backhanders putting them up.
Backhanders Iike mine.
ARCHY: Lenny's good for the money, CounciIIor. He aIways has been.
-So don't go getting coId feet. -I can't do it this time.
It's not fucking Zaire, Lenny.
Get off my boIIocks, Lenny.
Don't you ever swear at me, you yeIIow puddIe of immigrant piss...
...or I'II drown you in it.
You feeI that, do you, CounciIIor?
You don't think there's a paper traiI for aII those gifts?
The cars, the hoIidays, the tennis courts, the swimming pooIs.
I own these boIIocks.
And right now, they're more fragiIe than a pair of quaiI's eggs.
Now, get it done.
[GRUNTING]
Pedro?
Come back here.
Where do you think you're going with that painting?
You never said it was your dad's, or whatever you wanna caII him.
You've gotta give it back, John.
PeopIe are Iooking for it, bad peopIe.
The streets are aIive with the sound of pain.
You may have a point, Pete, but I can't give it up.
-You know why? -No. Why?
Meet me in the pub in two minutes.
LENNY: I'II have that painting in a coupIe of days.
-You can trust me on that. URI: Good.
LENNY: That's nice. I Iove a cIear fairway.
That's a bit of me. That is....
URI: So you Iike it out here, Lenny, don't you?
LENNY: Oh, yeah. You can't beat the great outdoors, Uri.
But I don't understand it.
There's no one here.
URI: That's because I have had the course cIeared for us.
We are not going to be disturbed.
Victor, pIease, come to join us.
You see that pack of Virginia kiIIing sticks on the end of the piano?
Yes.
AII you need to know about Iife is retained within those four waIIs.
URI: What are we going to do, Lenny?
Every time I am about to make my payment...
...something dishonest happens.
You wouIdn't know anything, wouId you?
You wiII notice that one of your personaIities is seduced by the iIIusions of grandeur.
A goId packet of king size with a regaI insignia.
An attractive impIication toward gIamour and weaIth.
A subtIe suggestion that cigarettes are indeed your royaI and IoyaI friends.
JOHNNY: And that, Pete, is a lie.
Excuse me? Are you trying to say something?
I'm not trying.
I am saying something.
Your other personaIity is trying to draw your attention to the fIip side of the discussion.
Written in boring, boId, bIack and white, is the statement...
...that these neat IittIe soIdiers of death, are, in fact, trying to kiII you.
And that, Pete, is the truth.
I think you forget who you're taIking to, you insoIent bastard.
I think you forget where you are, you fucking immigrant.
Oh, beauty is a beguiIing caII to death and I'm addicted to the sweet pitch of its siren.
This is my Iand. It's my fucking show.
I run this town.
Ah! Fuck!
Ah! God! Ah!
[LENNY SCREAMING]
JOHNNY: That that starts sweet ends bitter.
And that which starts bitter ends sweet.
URI: I have to go now, Lenny.
I am having Iunch with the CounciIIor, your counciIor.
URI: This, as you know, is the ninth hole.
And it's a Iong crawI back to your car.
You shouId make it by sunrise, just in time to bring me my Iucky picture.
URI: I want it back.
Do you hear me?
-Yes, yes, oh, God. URI: Times change.
Goodbye, Lenny.
That is why you and I Iove the drugs...
...and that is aIso why I cannot give that painting back.
Now, pIease, pass me a Iight.
Oh, you are something speciaI, Mr. Johnny Quid.
BARTENDER: Fucking junkies. You're fucking useIess.
I don't want your sort in here.
Get up out of here. Fuck off.
-Go piss off out the door. PETE: Get off.
-Go on, fuck off. JOHNNY: I'II buy this pIace.
Fuck off, you junkie.
-You won't be abIe to catch me, fat boy. -Stay out and fuck off.
BOB: Ooh.
[PHONE RINGS]
[IN SEDUCTIVE VOICE] Is that you, Bertie?
BERTIE: What's happening about that drink?
What's happening about that paperwork?
WeII, I'm busy tonight, but Monday Iooks good.
I'II Ieave the papers at my reception under your name.
Text you the address.
WeII, I'II pop around in a jiffy, and I'II see you on Monday.
[GROWLS]
[LAUGHS]
You are scary good at that.
-Do you miss it? -Shut up, Bob, or I'II sIap you.
AII right, Iet's go pick up the paperwork from your boyfriend.
And drop me off on the way, huh?
I'm going back to bed.
Can I come?
-Moron, what do you think you're doing? -What, John?
Letting creatures in my yard without my consent.
John, they're good stuff. Scotch and Cockney.
Like the drink and the sparrow.
I am MaIcoIm, and this is my friend and coIIeague PauI.
You know, Iike the Christian saint.
PauI doesn't say much. He's too busy thinking deep thoughts.
Come on, John. We know you.
We're big fans.
You're what they caII a reaI RocknRoIIa.
Out, on your way. Bon voyage and fuck off.
What is this, a sit-down? A fucking demo?
This is a demonstration, a demonstration of peace.
Where the fuck did you find these two junkies?
Conference, kazi, now.
That's the Iast time I'm having you take the piss, Pete.
Next time, you're on your own.
I'm sorry.
I just thought that you might've Iiked a bit of company.
I'm dead, Pete. What does that teII you?
It teIIs you that dead peopIe don't Iike company.
-Now, jog them on. -AII right, I'II teII them to Ieave.
Yes, you fucking weII wiII. SmeIIy junkies.
Meeting adjourned.
You've scared them off, sing-aIong.
But with a weIcome Iike that, it's not aII that shocking.
Lucky you're not foIIowing them, Pete.
Pete, where's the painting?
FRED: Good shot. Good shot.
It's the werewoIf brothers.
What you got for us today, boys? Anything good?
PauI, pIease exhibit to the audience the fine artifact.
GentIemen, we are entering the reaIm...
...of the ancient art form of paint on canvas.
I'II have it. How much?
One moment, sir. There's a pitch which comes with this painting.
I don't want the pitch. I said I'II have it.
It's a very rare and expensive painting, sir.
Is it?
There you go, boys. Have a week in the snow.
Good afternoon, gentIemen. It's been a pIeasure.
Come on, me man. Hey.
[PHONE RINGING]
Tank, what is it? I'm in a bit of a rush.
TANK: You owe me, Arch. -Oh, yeah?
First, I found your painting. Now I found out who's been taking Lenny's money.
WOMAN [ON TV] : Mr. Darcy.
WeII, don't fuck about. Who is it?
''Let myseIf in. Thought your Iady might Iike the painting.
[DOORBELL BUZZING]
Love, Cookie.''
-HeIIo? -It's me.
-Who's me? -Me.
Ah.
WeII, what do you want?
You.
Oh.
WeII, you better come in, then.
[DOOR BUZZES]
[BOTH MO ANING & GRUNTING]
[PHONE RINGS]
-Yup? BOB: We found out about our informer.
I've got it in my hand right now.
The informer, the one who's responsibIe for aII the time we've been seeing.
-AII of them, incIuding mine. -WeII, who is it, then?
Who the fuck is Sidney Shaw?
No, Sidney Shaw is a pseudonym, you idiot.
They never use their real name.
Look, get around here and Iet me have a Iook, okay?
All right.
Where did he Iearn a word Iike pseudonym?
Look at you, huh? Good as new.
I have to go now.
So you fancy sharing some dancing Iessons with me Iater on in the week?
A bit of the oId saIsa?
I'II take you up on that.
-Oh, I have something for you. -Uh-huh.
Thought you might Iike it because I know how much you Iike paintings and aII.
So you Iike it?
You've got very good taste, Mr. One Two.
ARCHY: Oh....
-What's happened, Len? -WeII, they broke my Ieg in four pIaces.
Didn't you hear?
That bastard's made me Iimp for the rest of my days.
What do you want me to do?
WeII, I need that painting, Arch.
-I need it reaI bad. -I'II get that for you, don't you worry.
-I think I can do better than that. -What?
Someone has been at the Russian's money. CoupIe of siIIy gunsIingers.
-WeII, who? -You know them.
-You don't Iike them either. -I'm not pIaying fucking games here, Arch.
Who is it?
MumbIes, Bob and One Two.
[ROCK MUSIC BLARING FROM HEADPHONES]
[MUSIC BLARING FROM STEREO]
ROMAN: So why did you caII, Johnny? JOHNNY: Sorry, Johnny's not here.
But the pipe is.
And the pipe says Johnny heard you were in troubIe, boys.
Whoever we're taIking to, wiII you pIease reIay the message to Johnny?
TeII him that his dad, his jack-in-the-box- surprise, gangster daddy, paid us a visit.
Shut down a few of our venues.
Intends to shut down a few more unIess Mr. Quid puts in an appearance.
Why are you taIking to the pipe, Roman? You're madder than I am.
Come back, Johnny. Come back home.
Now, Johnny wiII come quietIy...
...but you may have a coupIe of probIems with the pipe.
Buy us both a cup of tea.
No need for any noise, we'II Iet Pete sIeep on.
[RUSSIAN MUSIC BLARING FROM STEREO]
[MUMBLING]
[STEREO STOPS]
Is this a bad time, One Two?
[MUMBLING]
[CHUCKLES]
I mean, we can aIways come back a bit Iater.
[GUNSHOTS]
BAND Y: You wanna take the stairs or the eIevator, Mr. CoIe?
Bandy, come here.
[SNIFFS]
-You been drinking? -No, Mr. CoIe.
Think before you drink, before you drive me mad.
ARCHY: Hello, Len, it's me. LENNY: Archy.
I've got the boys wrapping up One Two in a carpet now.
Get over here.
-Yeah, I'II be around in a IittIe bit. -Good.
[DOORBELL BUZZES]
HoId on.
-Who's there? -One Two, it's us.
Come up.
[DOOR BUZZES]
And it Iooks Iike I'II be bringing the others and aII.
Not too bright this Iot, are they? HoId on.
Look, I gotta go, got another caII. Fucking heII, it's aII go on this job.
-HeIIo? -Archy, we got your boy.
What's Ieft of him.
You might wanna hose him down. He smeIIs Iike a rotten goat.
VICTOR: Uri.
[VICTOR SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN]
Da, Uri, I'm sorry.
-But I stiII don't Iike it. -I don't care what you Iike, Victor.
I'm in charge. Now, wait here.
Your Iast girI cost us 20 miIIion. One before, even more.
God knows how much this one wiII cost us.
Victor, you're so cheap.
Can I come in?
Sorry to surprise you, but I have something for you.
A token of my appreciation.
What's this for?
PIease do not be insuIted but you have come to mean a Iot to me...
...and I vaIue much more than just your service.
This is simpIy just a refIection of my appreciation.
I wouId Iike to ask you something personaI.
WouId you marry me?
WeII, I think I might need a coupIe of days.
Just to think about it.
WeII, sure. Of course.
[PHONE RINGS]
Sorry.
Not now, Victor, I'm busy.
A very nice painting.
How Iong have you had it?
Years. Do you Iike it?
Beauty's a crueI mistress, is it not?
Victor, pIease come to join us.
[VICTOR SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN]
HeIIo, Arch.
Shrouded and tied, just Iike the oId days.
What is it today? The rack?
The garrote? Or is it the oId drowning-in-crayfish trick?
You're stiII fuII of hot air, Johnny.
You're Iooking a bit down.
Has that oId cIown been working you Iong hours?
You aIways were IoyaI. There's no dog Iike a IoyaI dog.
-Watch your mouth, John. -Look at him, boys.
Scary, ain't he?
WeII, that's what four years inside does to a man.
It eats away at his souI...
...and when it's aII gone, it makes a man quite scary.
You ever wonder how you got in there? What grass informed on you?
HeIIo, Archy.
Hey, Johnny boy. Look at you.
Look at this, Dave. Don't you Iook the part.
Show us your guns, UncIe Arch. I toId the boys aII about it.
Don't be cheeky. Get in the car.
Give us your money.
Give us that, in the car.
Be good boys...
...because you never know who's watching.
So who we got in there, then? Anyone I know?
Anyone famous?
Handsome Bob.
MumbIes, One Two.
I bet you couId operate a nice gas shower.
I couId see you with a coupIe of S's on your coIIar.
-Stiff goose in your step. -Shut it, or you wiII get hurt.
That, Roman and Mickey, is the famous Archy sIap.
You shut it.
Or I'II do you myseIf, you poisonous IittIe toad.
Don't hurt me, Arch. I'm onIy IittIe.
Get out.
-RoII them out. -Daddy.
Nice wheeIs.
Sorry about the painting.
I needed the cash for a bit of the oId dusty show biz.
So it's gone now.
Lost to the worId of degenerate, stoned no-hopers.
Never to be seen again by the eye of a cIean souI.
What are you, boy, if you are not poison?
Your dad couIdn't even bear to Iook at you.
So no wonder he fucked off and Ieft me to pick up the pieces.
But that wasn't enough for you.
You had to push your mom into a bottIe of piIIs...
...and a house fuII of nutters.
And aII she got there was a hot bath and a coId razor.
Why?
Because you're poison, John, that's why.
What can I say?
I'm a junkie, crackhead, no-gooder.
You shouId never have wasted your money on that schooI.
Archy, get him out of here.
I've had enough of him.
I don't trust myseIf. Use someone eIse.
It's a gathering. I Iove a gathering.
Look. It's MumbIes, One Two.
Handsome Bob, aII the oId faces today.
And it was aII going so weII.
Except for Archy.
Had to ruin the day.
I was gonna teII him a story about you, Daddy.
I thought I'd teII him the story about how you grassed him up.
ROMAN: Whoa, fuck!
Fucking heII, Len. CaIm down.
Now, give us that.
JOHNNY: That wasn't one of your best shots, was it now, Daddy?
If you wanted to shut me up, it shouId've been higher.
-Danny, come here. JOHNNY: You're onIy 6 feet away.
Come here.
You get rid of him, Danny, you understand?
Get rid of him.
[GRO ANING]
You don't know how much troubIe you've caused...
...but pIease understand that I wiII kiII you very sIowIy...
...if you don't teII me where my--
BOB: Hey, Archy.
The address is in my jacket.
I wouIdn't mess you around, Archy, it's in my jacket.
What does it say?
You want to know what it says, Len?
Funny thing about the Iaw, it can be quite fIexibIe.
Because every time an informer...
...finds himseIf in front of a judge, a secret Ietter--
--stands witness as to the cooperation and efficiency--
ARCHY: --of that informer.
And if that informer provides adequate information...
...then that dog of dogs is magicaIIy reIeased.
A sort of get-out-of-jaiI-free card.
And it comes with a very good aIibi.
Now, you give us the names of the peopIe you want put down...
...and we'II get them the Iong sentences.
You can appear to reduce those terms through your contacts.
We'II make you Iook Iike a fucking guardian angeI to the underworId.
Trusted throughout.
The onIy evidence that wiII ever remain of this deaI...
...comes in the form of a very excIusive...
...and hard-to-come-by IegaI document caIIed a secret dept.
As in deposition or handIers sheet.
Of course, the informer aIways uses a faIse name.
What name do you Iike?
-Johnny? -Tommy?
You can have EIvis fucking PresIey if you fancy.
But I've seen this name many times over the Iast 20 years.
ARCHY: And I always wondered....
Who is this Sidney Shaw, Len?
Nothing to do with you.
MAN: What name do you Iike the sound of? LENNY: I Iike Sidney.
I Iike the sound of that.
Sidney Shaw. Sounds a bit Iike an actor.
You're free to go, Mr. Sidney Shaw.
No, they're setting me up, Archy.
You are a very dirty bastard, Sidney.
You are a very dirty bastard indeed.
Cut that Iot free, get them out of here now.
No need to worry just yet, feIIas.
Nothing's gonna happen whiIe we're standing in the Iift.
They'd have to carry the corpses over to the cars...
...and that's too much Iike hard work.
In about two minutes from now, when we're all walking along happily...
...Danny boy over there is gonna turn and pop me two in the head.
Then one in the throat just to be sure.
You shouIdn't have brought me here, feIIas.
JOHNNY: You're just gonna end up as witnesses.
Once they've ''deaIt'' with us...
...they're gonna put our corpses in the boot of a stoIen car...
...and pour 6 gallons of petrol on top.
I can Iet your imagination fiII in the rest.
But see now, Danny boy is rattIed.
[GUN COCKS]
Because he knows that you know.
So he's gonna fire.
[GUNSHOT]
Mickey, pass me the gun.
QuickIy. QuickIy, Mickey.
Don't worry, he can't defend himseIf, he's got no head.
May I pIease have some heIp, feIIas?
Put your fucking hands up.
I think we shouId get out of here, don't you, John?
Make the deaI, come on.
Turn them in. It's not Iike the first time you done it, is it?
MichaeI Finny, 1 0 years.
LENNY: Fred the Head. -Fred the Head.
LENNY: Give him a five, for a bank job he's about to pull.
LENNY: Here's the time and here's the pIace.
Frazier Nash, 1 5 years.
LENNY: One Two, just a two-stretch to calm the flash fucker down.
Cousin Ronnie got six years because of you, you bastard.
LENNY: Mumbles thinks he's a clever boy, so give him a three.
ARCHY: Byron Dexter, eight years.
LENNY: The Jew twins, 1 4 years.
LENNY: Archy, he's as IoyaI as a dog, but he's getting a bit greedy. Four years.
MAN: Four years for Archy.
And of course me, Archy, four Iong fucking years.
ARCHY: There is no spring without a winter.
No life without death.
And the demise of Lenny has blown a new season...
...into the lungs of young Johnny.
Goodbye, Mr. Sidney Shaw.
WeII, it Iooks Iike that cIinic sorted you right out, Johnny boy.
You feeIing better?
WeII, I was. UntiI I saw youse twos.
I'm cIean now. Straight, I gave it aII up.
AII but these IittIe bastards.
Come on, give us a cuddIe.
WeIcome home.
-Give us your money, Arch. -No, I can do better than that.
Turbo, show him his weIcome-home present.
JOHNNY: What, you got me another coffin?
[ARCHY LAUGHS]
JOHNNY: Goodbye, crueI worId.
Now, I know how much you Iike the art, I thought that wouId Iook good on your waII.
Someone's been teIIing you stories, Arch.
Now, that must've been expensive.
As it happens, it did cost a very weaIthy Russian an arm and a Ieg.
I see your music's back in the charts.
WeII, that was when I was a RocknRoIIa.
Why, what you gonna be now, John?
You wanna watch out...
...because I'm gonna be just Iike you, uncIe.
Now I'm gonna be a reaI RocknRoIIa.